


Cool As A Fucking Cucumber

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Open ending I guess, Pesterlog, References to anime, bluh, pesterfic, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-07
Updated: 2013-12-07
Packaged: 2018-01-02 15:02:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1058192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Dave isn't as cool as he thought he was, and John realises he wouldn't mind making out with his best bro after something is uncovered.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cool As A Fucking Cucumber

**Author's Note:**

> Hhhhhh, this is my first fic! I guess it counts as a fic if it's a pesterlog? I don't know, I'm not really sure.  
> Anyway, it took forever to code this properly, so give me some credit.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it, regardless!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:28 -- 

EB: hi dave!  
TG: sup egbert  
TG: whats shakin  
EB: not much!  
TG: i was wondering when youd get online  
TG: jeez its like you have a life outside of my needs  
TG: how could you  
EB: that's because i do.  
EB: jeez, you big needy baby.  
TG: i cant help it john i need affection  
TG: love me john  
TG: love meee  
EB: here.  
EB: have the love.  
EB: have all of it.  
TG: not enough love egbert keep it coming  
EB: i'm out of love!  
EB: there's none left!  
EB: see, now? because you're such a big baby, rose and jade don't get any love.  
TG: screw those guys  
TG: cmon bro i know youve got a little bit left  
EB: nope.  
EB: no more love for you.  
TG: cmon  
TG: i bet youre hoarding it away  
TG: look in your emergency love kit  
EB: okay fine.  
EB: there.  
EB: you have all the love.  
EB: all of it.  
TG: yesssss  
TG: thank you john  
TG: my hero <3  
EB: you're welcome!  
TG: id kiss you if i knew you werent gonna piss yourself over it  
EB: i would not!  
TG: you totally would  
TG: youd be all  
TG: 'no homo dave omg im not a homosexual'  
TG: but you see john  
TG: everyones a little gay  
EB: i wouldn't do that!  
EB: as long as it was a platonic kiss.  
TG: see thems the problem  
EB: it's not a problem.  
TG: being a total stud such as yourself im not sure id be able to hold back on my true ~*homo desires*~  
EB: yes, i know.  
EB: we are both so attractive that even a straight male such as myself is tempted.  
TG: straight  
TG: haha  
TG: yeah absolutely  
EB: i am straight!  
TG: yeah  
TG: you keep mentioning  
TG: like constantly  
EB: okay.  
TG: okay  
EB: its cause i am. totally straight.  
TG: alright  
EB: right then.  
TG: right  
TG: just saying though making out isnt totally out of the question is it   
EB: ...  
EB: i'm not really gay, dave...  
TG: oh  
TG: really?  
EB: yeah?  
TG: oh  
TG: uh  
TG: sorry  
EB: what?  
EB: sorry?  
TG: sorry if i made you feel uncomfortable  
TG: i guess i misread the signals  
TG: or lack of signals ha  
TG: idk man sorry  
TG: this is probably awkward as fuck for you now huh  
TG: sorry again  
EB: ....  
EB: what?  
TG: im really not sure how im supposed to clarify that for you  
EB: ...  
EB: i don't really understand.  
EB: what are you trying to say here?  
TG: oh my fucking god are you honestly being serious right now john  
EB: kinda?  
TG: just  
TG: never mind  
TG: forget what i said  
EB: oh.  
EB: okay then.  
TG: ...sorry  
EB: it's fine.  
EB: whatever you think you did i totally forgive you.  
TG: no it isnt fine  
EB: how isn't it?  
TG: because if you knew why i was being so fucking weird about this you wouldn't be so okay with forgiving me  
EB: i really don't mind, dave.  
EB: we're best friends, it'd be awful of me to not forgive you.  
TG: hmm  
EB: don't worry about it.  
TG: yeah no i dont think youd be okay with what im fucking myself over with  
TG: but fine  
EB: i promise i'd be fine with it.  
TG: are you sure  
EB: of course i am.  
TG: alright  
TG: rose said this would be a "Really bad idea, David." when i asked her by the way  
TG: thats just for context  
TG: keep that in mind  
TG: she even called me david shes serious man  
EB: well, she's not always right.  
EB: and there's nothing wrong with your full name!  
TG: i suspect shes probably right but  
TG: ill let you be the judge of that  
TG: okay  
TG: right  
TG: deep breath  
TG: yeah okay cool  
TG: okay so  
TG: john  
TG: weve been friends for a while right?  
EB: yeah.  
EB: a really long time.  
TG: right  
TG: and like  
TG: were really really close right  
EB: the closest.  
TG: yeah  
TG: sometimes when two close bros are really really close  
TG: one of them can occasionally develop a  
TG: uh  
TG: thing  
TG: for the other one  
EB: what kind of thing?  
TG: ...  
TG: really john  
TG: ugh okay  
TG: do you want me to make it really simple for you  
EB: i guess so.  
TG: i like you john  
TG: a lot  
TG: like  
TG: how a dude likes a girl  
TG: or visa versa  
TG: that sort of like  
TG: okay  
TG: john?  
TG: fuck  
TG: fuck fuck fuck  
TG: see i knew this would happen  
EB: ...  
EB: uhhh...  
EB: is this some king of irony jokey thing?  
TG: ...  
TG: you know what  
TG: rose was right  
EB: ...  
EB: i've never really considered you...like that.  
EB: or any guy, really.  
EB: but...huh.  
TG: i told you itd be like this didnt i  
EB: it's okay!  
TG: ugh god im sorry  
TG: i fucked up  
TG: im trash  
EB: just kinda weird... i didn't expect it!  
TG: im sorry  
EB: jeez dave, you're overreacting.  
EB: i haven't even thought about this yet.  
TG: im not overreacting oh my god john dont act so okay with this  
EB: overreaction!  
TG: im not  
TG: overreacting  
TG: okay  
TG: totally calm  
TG: chill  
EB: no you're not.  
TG: cool as a fucking cucumber  
TG: yes i am  
TG: no nervous wreck here  
TG: no sir  
EB: jeez dave.  
EB: i didn't even like reject you or anything and you're over there about to die of nerves.  
TG: dude you literally just said you were straight like five minutes ago  
TG: and youre acting so okay with this  
TG: why arent you getting annoyed or angry  
EB: well straight doesn't mean i'm going to hate my best friend.  
TG: i dont understand why youre so okay with this  
EB: seriously dave, i would hate to not have you around.  
EB: because i really really care about you.  
TG: even with me being a huge raving homosexual  
EB: yes, even with you being a huge raving homo.  
EB: besides, its not like you're suddenly a different person.  
TG: wow  
TG: uh  
TG: thanks man  
EB: you're still dave, right?  
TG: i guess  
EB: so no big deal, we're still best friends.  
TG: yeah thats true  
EB: you done freaking out?  
TG: i wasnt freaking out  
EB: you totally were.  
TG: fuck you egbert i was not freaking out  
EB: wait, hold on a second.  
TG: what  
EB: does this mean you actually meant all that stuff about homo desires and making out?  
TG: ...  
TG: uh  
EB: oh.  
TG: welp  
EB: umm, wow.  
TG: looks like the metaphorical cats out of the bag  
TG: sorry  
EB: someone has a thing for nerdy guys~  
TG: no   
TG: just you  
EB: oh, uh.  
TG: besides you cant do that  
TG: dont you dictate what i have a thing for  
TG: or ill flirt at you again  
TG: ill fucking do it  
EB: hahaha.  
EB: go for it!  
TG: you know i will  
TG: dont test me  
EB: im testing youuuuuu~  
TG: fine  
TG: honestly though man your face is pretty smoochable  
EB: i know i have a smoochy face.  
TG: i mean sure the teeth would kinda get in the way but dang itd be worth it  
EB: my teeth are fine!  
TG: my point stands  
TG: and lets not talk about that plush rump I mean  
TG: dang  
EB: oh my gosh, you can stop now!!!  
TG: dang son is your dad a baker because i like the look of those buns  
EB: actually dad is a baker and you know that!  
TG: which means the pick up line was even better  
TG: anyway dont even try to test me because i will take you up on the challenge and make you blush like a schoolgirl  
EB: gosh your pickup lines are the cheesiest!  
EB: and i dont even blush ever  
TG: you spelled best wrong  
TG: yeah you do  
EB: no way  
EB: im too manly for that  
TG: oh man when you blush it looks some guy monet idk has come and painted all over your face in red  
TG: that was a terrible metaphor  
EB: no!  
TG: good thing red is my second favourite colour  
EB: i don't blush!  
TG: yeah you do  
EB: what's the first one?  
EB: color that is?  
TG: blue ;)   
EB: oh.  
TG: you honestly walked into that one  
EB: shush!  
TG: nah  
TG: you made me do this  
TG: this is your fault  
EB: no it's not!  
TG: it totally ks  
TG: *is fuck  
EB: fine then.  
TG: that was also your fault  
EB: do your worst. :B  
TG: do my worst  
TG: do you really want me to reduce you to a little flustered puddle of shota?  
EB: what?  
TG: yeah thought not  
EB: what is shota?  
EB: and i wont be a flustered puddle of anything thank you very much!  
TG: sure  
TG: look it up sweetlips  
EB: okay just a second.  
TG: alright  
EB: oh my god.  
EB: dave what the hell.  
TG: pfft  
EB: how do you even know that word?!  
TG: anime  
TG: bro watches a lot of it  
EB: ugh!  
TG: you pick up various words  
EB: bro is weird!  
TG: yeah i know  
TG: makes for some good lines though  
TG: for example  
TG: will you be the uke to my seme?  
EB: im not googling that!  
TG: wise decision  
EB: what does it mean though?  
TG: uh  
EB: in a non creepy weird way.  
TG: basically?  
EB: yea?  
TG: uke means bottom and seme means top  
EB: why do you assume i would be the bottom?  
EB: i might not be.  
TG: come on john  
TG: jonathan shota plush ass egbert  
EB: oh my god dave.  
TG: yeah what  
EB: don't call me that!  
TG: okay sorry  
TG: john shota plush ass egbert  
EB: i just said not to!  
TG: i didnt  
TG: I shortened jonathan to john  
TG: but yeah youd totally be the bottom  
EB: nu-uh!  
TG: yuh huh  
EB: i could totally be the top!  
TG: oh yeah?  
EB: definitely.  
TG: i dont believe that for a second  
EB: well fine, then.  
EB: you're just scared for your butt, haha.  
TG: sorry what  
TG: excuse you john im not scared for my butt  
EB: are so!  
TG: are not  
TG: you should be scared for yours because youre blatantly a bottom bitch.  
EB: ...oh.  
EB: i didn't know that.  
TG: what?  
EB: hehe, its okay!  
TG: whats with the ...ing then  
EB: surprised?  
TG: surprised with what  
EB: i'm a blatant bottom bitch?  
EB: i don't know how to be one of those actually.  
TG: i dunno man i say that but  
TG: you could be a top if you tried  
EB: i don't think i'd really wanna try, anyway.  
EB: i mean, if i was gay...  
TG: no but think hypothetically  
TG: if you were  
EB: uh huh?  
TG: do you think youd be a giver or a taker  
EB: i dunno what that means, actually.  
TG: think about it for a second  
EB: still not really sure.  
TG: if i were to tell you that seme is the giver  
TG: would that clear it up for you  
EB: oh.  
EB: hypothetically, i'm probably a 'taker'-person kind of guy.  
TG: uh huh  
EB: yeah.  
TG: yeah thats what i would have thought  
TG: not a completely bad image if im honest  
EB: okay..?  
TG: sorry again  
EB: does that mean youre a giver or seme or whatever?  
TG: uh  
TG: yeah probably  
EB: i really don't mind that much?  
EB: it's kinda flattering, actually.  
TG: oh  
TG: well  
TG: thats good then  
EB: it's weird to think someone likes me that much!  
TG: honestly bro have you seen yourself  
TG: you look like a fucking angel  
EB: pfft.  
EB: no i don't.  
EB: i'm a big dorky nerd.  
TG: no john youre like  
TG: really hot  
TG: like damn  
EB: are we talking about the same me?  
EB: hahaha.  
TG: and sometimes i get embarrassed and nervous  
TG: and i want to kiss you a bunch  
TG: and stuff  
EB: oh.  
EB: wow.  
TG: but i dont because youre straight and i dont want to lose you  
TG: because i really really like you  
TG: like really  
EB: you won't lose me any time soon!  
TG: even so  
TG: jeez you cant just go around kissing any old perfect little dork shits gotta be mutual  
TG: and it isnt so  
TG: ill get over it eventually  
EB: i uhh...  
TG: you uhh  
EB: i might well i probably wont mind...  
EB: if you uhh.  
EB: maybe did that.  
EB: once or twice?  
EB: or more...  
TG: ...  
TG: youre  
TG: youre not just saying that to make me feel better are you  
EB: no!  
EB: of course not!  
EB: i've been thinking about it.  
EB: since you told me?  
EB: and if its you i really wouldn't mind.  
TG: ...  
TG: i uh  
TG: i really would quite like that  
EB: yeah, i noticed!  
TG: ha yeah  
TG: and youd be okay with that  
EB: i think so.  
TG: like my mouth  
TG: on yours  
TG: me  
TG: a strapping young lad  
TG: kissing you  
EB: well, not any old guy!  
EB: just you.  
TG: are you sure youve thought this through  
TG: because if you kiss me  
TG: im not going to be able to let you go  
TG: like ever  
TG: youre stuck with me now kid  
TG: lets fight the world together   
EB: yeah.  
EB: i'm pretty sure.  
TG: thats  
TG: thats good  
TG: im glad  
EB: i'm glad that youre glad.  
TG: im glad that youre glad that im glad  
EB: what?  
TG: what  
EB: where were you going with that, dave?  
TG: man i dont know  
EB: and you call me a nerd!  
TG: im just happy  
EB: me too.  
TG: thats because you are a nerd  
TG: and im glad that youre happy  
EB: im not that much of nerd!  
EB: and you're the guy who fell for a nerd, so ha!  
TG: havent you heard of geek chic?  
TG: thats basically hot people in glasses  
TG: ie you  
EB: suuuure.  
TG: dont make me talk about your ass again  
EB: uh.  
EB: i'm good.  
EB: jeez dave, how long have you even had this crush?  
TG: uh  
TG: like  
TG: three years  
EB: oh.  
EB: wow.  
EB: i don't even...  
EB: wow.  
TG: either i was really good at hiding it or youre just really fucking blind  
TG: although the only person that knew was rose  
TG: id say its a little more than a crush now  
EB: im not blind!  
EB: just because i wear glasses doesn't mean i'm blind.  
TG: whats the word  
TG: clueless maybe  
TG: yeah lets go with that  
EB: no, i'm very worldly and clued in!  
TG: you were clueless about how much i actually like you  
EB: you're a good hider.  
TG: thats literally only because my shades take up half my fucking face  
TG: eyes give away a fuck load of emotions  
EB: i know.  
TG: i guess its a bit of both  
EB: yeah.  
TG: anyway yeah uh  
TG: three years  
EB: that's a long time.  
EB: i'm glad you didn't tell me three years ago.  
TG: that would have been interesting  
EB: i probably would have hated you.  
EB: do you remember how invested i was in being straight?  
TG: yeah i know  
TG: 'god im not a homosexual'  
EB: what?  
TG: thats literally what you were like  
EB: yeah i know.  
EB: gosh, how embarrassing.  
TG: i got second hand embarrassment from typing that wow  
TG: but it hurt a lot back then  
EB: i'm sorry.  
TG: no its cool man its chill  
TG: its not your fault that past you was kind of a dick  
EB: yeah, i was a huge asshole.  
EB: i totally should have been more sensitive to your homoerotic feelings for me.  
TG: are you making fun of me  
EG: what?? no.  
TG: because if you want to stray down the path of eroticism and lewd thoughts then be my guest  
EB: dave no stop.  
TG: because i could go on all night about my dirty thoughts about you  
EB: oh my god.  
TG: youve gone red havent you  
EB: i have not!  
TG: well come over and prove me wrong cupcake  
TG: ;)  
EB: you'd like that, wouldn't you?  
TG: more than youll ever know  
TG: besides   
TG: perfect macking opportunity  
EB:...maybe i could come over.  
EB: to hang out.  
EB: that's all.  
TG: uh huh  
EB: yes!  
EB: and uh.  
EB: maybe to do something else?  
TG: you wont be able to keep your hands off of me egbert  
EB: withhold your assumptions!  
EB: i should be around in ten okay?  
TG: alright   
TG: speak soon  
EB: alright.  
TG: ...  
TG: <3  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:32-- 

EB: <3  



End file.
